Your mouth is God's brothel.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
