just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just tell him i said nine months
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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