I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
