just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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