So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
