I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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