So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
