Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
