I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
