I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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