ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Text me some of your sweat
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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