don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
