I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
