Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
