So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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