I'm going to jail i love you
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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