if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
