So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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