My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
