Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
