Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
