he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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