My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
