Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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