Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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