My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
