I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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