Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
