You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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