I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
