what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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