i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
