Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
