today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
