We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
