You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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