I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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