Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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