You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
