Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
