brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
