he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
