wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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