tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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