Don't make out with my wife yet
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
