When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
