I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
