Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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