I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
