It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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