You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
